8 posts tagged “weather”

Since my last post here I have gone and gotten myself well and truly addicted to Buffy.  I am almost finished with the third season.  It disappoints me to know that Angel won't be back (much) for the rest of the show since he'll be off on his own series and whatnot.  I had thought that Angel was a spinoff that happened after Buffy ended, but no, it happened right in the middle of things, meaning no more Buffy and Angel for me.  Pooh.  ANYWAY. 

In other news, It is STILL not effing Fall here yet.  I am anxiously awaiting the appropriate weather for my multitude of sweaters, blazers, scarves, and boots.  Any day now, Alabama.  Any day already.

And now for the good clouds.

The Good Kind of Clouds

And now we have black clouds. Yes, I am moblogging the weather. I suck.

black clouds

Low-hanging clouds over the hills.

Get Low

RE: THE APPROACH OF AUTUMN AND FASHION THEREUNTO APPERTAINING

Citizens, we at the desk of important weather updates have a very special bulletin for you.  We have collected indisputable evidence that the season of Autumn (also known, in the parlance of our times, as "Fall") is upon us.  Please note the vibrant red color of this leaf:

We believe this evidence to be sufficient, when combined with the palpably cooler temperatures and more frequent rain, to signify the official beginning of Sweater Weather! That's right, Citizens, it's time to break out your cardigans, turtlenecks, boatnecks, V-necks, cowlnecks, and crewnecks.  Have at it, sweater wearers!  Your time is here! 

You may also be wondering whether it is appropriate to introduce your corduroy blazers and fluffy scarves to the world--indeed it is.  Have no fear.  A nice pair of boots wouldn't go amiss either, we believe.

One thing to avoid is tacky seasonal neighborhood decorations.  You know the type--giant painted wooden pumpkin-and-cornucopia dioramas in the front yard, that sort of thing.  While some of your neighbors have been attempting to introduce Fall hues to their vehicles, we believe that this, too, is at best a misguided plan.  Witness this van across the street from our offices:

While the multi-colored plastic gas cans strapped to the roof certainly beckon the eye with their mimicry of the surrounding foliage, we believe this motorist would do best to store them elsewhere.  They only add to the already creepy-ass look of his kidnap van. 

Citizens, heed our memo!  Feel free to express your love of crisp Autumn weather with a sweater or a pair of boots, but keep our parking lots operating on a minimum level of hideousness. 

Thank you, and please, remember your umbrellas.

RE: INAPPROPRIATE USE OF THE TERMS "HEAT WAVE" AND "HUMIDITY."

Citizens,

It has come to our attention that many of you have been blatantly flouting the proper use of the terms "heat wave" and "humidity" to describe our current weather.  This obtuse and disruptive behaviour simply must be stopped.

You can no longer continue to play fast and loose with your meteorological verbiage.  Two days with temperatures in the mid-nineties F (36 C  for those who prefer to go metric) do in no way constitute a heat wave.

Take off your ridiculous giant straw-brimmed hat, toss a cardigan or something over that tube top, and get a fucking grip on yourself.  You are an adult.  What are you going to do next, pry open a fire hydrant? Have a lemonade and stop freaking out.

And to those who prefer to complain about the so-called "humidity," you need to cease and desist.  If you have not lived through an entire summer of 100+ degree weather (40 C to my metric homies), weather so hot and so humid you can see water hanging in the air, obscuring your vision like the birth of Impressionism all over again, you've got nothing to say to me.  Nothing. Get back to your popsicle and leave me alone. 

After all, it's of little importance: before you know it, we will be  back to the 10 months of depressing grey and chill and rain, but I suppose  you'd enjoy that, wouldn't you?  WOULDN'T YOU?

We at the desk of weather regulation feel, though, we should warn you:   Should you continue in your current practice, you may, like the boy who cried wolf, one day find yourself in the Deep South in August without any words to suit.  I wouldn't recommend that--on such a day, words could be your only salvation. Stop wasting them on a perfectly gorgeous Summer day, you ungrateful asshats.

The five-day forecast yesterday called for "morning showers," "chance of rain," "rain likely," "morning drizzle," and "chance of showers." That's all slated for less than a week, folks.  As you may note, they've left out "scattered showers," "morning showers," "torrential downpours," "depressing drizzle," "mysterious fog," "biting needles of ice," and--most notably-- "thunder showers."  Although we have a fairly specific vocabulary for discussing precipitation here in Oregon, the "thunder shower" doesn't figure in it.  The last time we had any thunder, in fact, the baffled news teams were reporting,  eyes wide with incredulity, that  the noise was so loud they could even hear it in the studio.  Sheesh.  Please await with bated breath my forthcoming report on why Oregonians are also retarded about snow.